Yoga X: Just the thing you need… if your goal in life is to be able to teabag yourself. I knew going into this that YogaX would be very painful for me. Flexible is not in my vocabulary. But I put on my queerest of lime green stretch pants, soft fuscia tank top, and curly Richard Simmons hair-do and pressed play.
Notice the photo above. Tony is pointing out that, if you were a guy, then your ballsack would be touching your forehead.
Holy motherofallthingsstretchy was I in for a surprise. Not 2 minutes in and I am already cussing out Tony the teabagger as he is asking me to put legs and arms in positions that no one should ever ask. And the names for some of this shit.. chaattaranga and savadestsa or whatever. It was like I was online chatting with an indian (dot not feather) for 90 minutes. So 30 minutes into it and the sweat is now pouring out of me, and I am doing sun salutations and upward dogs and downward dogs and all kind of doggy style positions and I think to myself… “Where the hell is my inflatable girlfriend when I need her?”
Just as I am taking a break to finish blowing her up, we move on to all kinds of crazy ass stretch and balance type stuff. Yoga block my ass, I need a yoga carton. I stagger and fall and pretty much spend the next 30 minutes telling Tony and crew to go fuck themselves while attempting to put my left leg through my right armhole. Just as I am about to kick a hole in the TV, Tony smiles that greasy little smile of his and says. Tough suff is done, now on to the balance positions. Tree, Crane, Monkey, Table, Wheel, Fall, whatever we do them all. But it is good as it is less pain than the previous 60 minutes. That is until King Douche Tony says time for Yoga Abs 7 or some shit like that. Basically he slips in several of the AbRipper X moves (slightly modified and with more homo like names) and tries to convince me it is Yoga. My ass. So I suffer though that burning of the stomach sensation and we finally get to a position that I have mastered. Yes the lovely and so very demanding Corpse position. I master that MOFO in no time. Corpseing it up with the best of them.
I figured I would be really sore next morning, but no, no pain at all. Either all the stretching keeps the pain down, or I totally lame-assed the entire workout. Based on the gallon of sweat, I think it may have been the stretching. The diet part is still not perfected.
45% Carbs, 35% Protein, 20% Fat. I am able to keep the fat down, but the damn carbs keep jumping up on me.